Late kicking this off. I had to be talked off the ledge. We're having a Jedward free Eurovision and Lidl didn't have any boxes of rosé.
But, we'll truck on. Some things don't change; Marty is back on RTE, hooray! I'll struggle on with some white splishysplashy instead. OH, WHAT A SACRIFICE.
Well, we got an opening by terrified looking children and a witchy woman. It's like the Swedish Mama remake. They didn't half milk last year's song. She's some voice on her, buh.
First country up is Austria and my neck muscles are already pulled from grimacing. Boring and painful on the missed notes. I'll have Deirdre Barlow neck if this keeps up.
I swear Estonia's singer is a Rose of Tralee contender.
I swear Estonia's singer is a Rose of Tralee contender.
image: peoplesrepublicofcork.com
Slovenia, please. You KNOW this would be my jam at 2am in some durt bar. My moves would be a little...
...File that under, it's not right, but it's OK.
Croatia. SANG IT, GURL. Would it have hurt them to have thrown the odd pelvic thrust in there? Actually, maybe given that get-up.
By the looks of things, we have the Danish Taylor Swift coming up. Or is it more Diana Vickers? She has the demi-claw and might start hwanging at us. The tension. I've actually just upset myself remembering that stupid claw hand.
By the looks of things, we have the Danish Taylor Swift coming up. Or is it more Diana Vickers? She has the demi-claw and might start hwanging at us. The tension. I've actually just upset myself remembering that stupid claw hand.
pic: mirror.co.uk
Alright, Danish Vickers, that was alrih. HIGH-CLAW for you!
Russia. Ooh, that's not bad so far. Still going for a smoke break though.
You'd miss the granny group from last year and their disco biscuits.
Ukraine. Touch of the Cherddidle Cole, says Marty. He's not wrong, says I.
The Netherlands. It's like the song you'd hear at the wake of Pigeon Street. It existed, I swear. Was bloody brilliant.
Montenegro. Nope. Nope. Like her monacle and cling film..eh, wings?
Lithuania. G'wan Andreas. Oh, honey, no. White man overbite. Keep it and your 'Something' to yo'self.
Belarus. Still not over their 'I love batteries! Batteries!' from 2011.
She's in a Tina Turner fringe dress and has a massive disco ball , so I'm won over. Actually, love this song; it has shades of Holly Valance's Kiss Kiss.
Moldova. In a sci-fi My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding dress. Tell me it's going to start flashing LED lights....
DISCO DOLAN!! DISCO. DO. LAN.
I fully support the percussion portion of this performance. YEAH.
Is that an Irish Wolverine I see on the big drum?!
Knowing the Eurovision audience, we are soooo through.
Cyprus. The Cypriot Linda Martin.
Belgium. Intense. Emotionally confused. As is the backing dancer. 'Now? Now?... Now?'
Serbia. This looks like a very important sociological comment on the infantilisation of women. Break free overgrown doll women! It'll end with a slaughter of Hello Kitty effigies.
Well, that wasn't so bad. Voting time, wahey! As if it wasn't rigged, snort. Start wasting your money...NOW!
The green room. Jealous of her segway. I could do with one of those to get to the fridge for refills.
I like our host tonight. Sassy all in the pants.
Speaking of hosts, Marty is doing well to keep the giddy in check. Not that we want that. Drunk Marty is the business.
The Netherlands. It's like the song you'd hear at the wake of Pigeon Street. It existed, I swear. Was bloody brilliant.
Montenegro. Nope. Nope. Like her monacle and cling film..eh, wings?
Lithuania. G'wan Andreas. Oh, honey, no. White man overbite. Keep it and your 'Something' to yo'self.
She's in a Tina Turner fringe dress and has a massive disco ball , so I'm won over. Actually, love this song; it has shades of Holly Valance's Kiss Kiss.
Moldova. In a sci-fi My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding dress. Tell me it's going to start flashing LED lights....
DISCO DOLAN!! DISCO. DO. LAN.
I fully support the percussion portion of this performance. YEAH.
Is that an Irish Wolverine I see on the big drum?!
Knowing the Eurovision audience, we are soooo through.
Cyprus. The Cypriot Linda Martin.
Belgium. Intense. Emotionally confused. As is the backing dancer. 'Now? Now?... Now?'
Serbia. This looks like a very important sociological comment on the infantilisation of women. Break free overgrown doll women! It'll end with a slaughter of Hello Kitty effigies.
Well, that wasn't so bad. Voting time, wahey! As if it wasn't rigged, snort. Start wasting your money...NOW!
The green room. Jealous of her segway. I could do with one of those to get to the fridge for refills.
I like our host tonight. Sassy all in the pants.
Speaking of hosts, Marty is doing well to keep the giddy in check. Not that we want that. Drunk Marty is the business.
pic: thinkwhatyoulike.wordpress.com
I'd like to think myself enlightened enough to appreciate art forms that I don't know a whole lot about. But this dance break...shall we call it, looks like the post-smokey section of The Breakfast Club with too much dry shampoo not rubbed in properly.
I'd like to think myself enlightened enough to appreciate art forms that I don't know a whole lot about. But this dance break...shall we call it, looks like the post-smokey section of The Breakfast Club with too much dry shampoo not rubbed in properly.
Ah, the 'Big Six'. Bastards.
France. Catchy.
Spain. El Meh.
Germany. Sounds like a low rent remix of Euphoria. Jaysus. Not even trying to pretend otherwise.
Italy. Hipster looking, blah sounding.
The UK. Ah, Bonnie. Turn around Goldie Hawns Welsh sista from another mista.
Who was the rollercoaster fella?
Results. Hold me.
Moldova! Flashy dress swung it.
Lithuania.
IRELAND!!!!! YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAHHHH!!!!
Estonia.
Belarus. MOAR disco ball action!!
Denmark.
Russia.
Belgium. Mason from Neighbours lives to eyebrow dance another evening.
Ukraine! Ah, they look like a fun crowd. G'wan!
Last is.....
The Netherlands. Hmm.
Well fecking done, Ryan and your drumming dancer guys whodidn'tatallswayanyonesvote!!!
Let's watch again. And again.
See y'all back here on Thursday for MOAR.
